Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments:
Hurray for Denmark!
And hurray for Anna Nicole Smith!*
*(who had just been awarded a billion dollars inheritance, I think)
Visitor's Name: Molloctechaun
From: Mehico
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: Wotcha. Thanks for the Olympics update. I haven't been
following any of it. Did Denmark actually win something? [No,
Denmark had sex with Anna Nicole Smith. MK] That is other than
coming last in the Eurovision song contest? [Being gentlemen, they
did come last.] Who judges the Eurovision song contest anyway?
Where do they find these people? [They used to make persistent
young offenders do it as part of their punishment, but that's since
been ruled inhumane. Now it's mostly Balkan war criminals and so
forth.] On what authority? One could go on and on.
Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Britannia
She is Britannia
Comments: In case you are not joshing, the Danes just voted no to
joining the Euro in spite of the fact that their entire political and media
elite were telling them that unless they voted yes they'd all become
unemployed, they'd get null points in every Eurovision from now till
doomsday, their children would be fed to rabid dogs, etc. It sent
shockwaves through Europe and now the British ruling clique may
have to think twice about trying to steamroller us into giving away our
sovereignty. That was last week, though. Yesterday the Europhiles
struck back by releasing a report from a race relations commission
packed with Blair cronies saying that the very words 'British' and
'English' are offensive to ethnic minorities and that British history is
shameful and irrelevant, etc. Oh, I could shake someone.
Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I have had a very pleasant day today, lying in bed all
afternoon watching women's magazine programmes and the film The
Gypsy and the Gentleman, starring the delectable Melina Mercouri as a
very wild and not even partially tamed gypsy girl who leads a
nobleman a merry dance. My viewing pleasure kept being interrupted,
however, by ominous-looking Newsflash signs heralding
announcements of the sudden death of Scottish politician Donald
Dewar. I'm sure he was a conscientious man and it's sad for his family
and friends, but why should the rest of us give a toss? Apart, obviously,
from those who think, 'One down, 650 to go.' It's like when someone in
the Politburo died in Russia in the old days. Solemn music on telly:
'One of your leaders has died. You Will Mourn.' And then all the pious
tributes from political opponents who were calling him a ratbag the day
before. All well and good, but I'd rather watch the hot gypsy, thankyou.
The other recurring motif in the news today has been Judy off Richard
and Judy's tits popping out, or very nearly, at some awards ceremony
last night. I am even more annoyed to be constantly informed of this.
But I wonder if there is any connection between the two events? Did
Donald Dewar drop dead at the sight of Judy Finnegan's tits? I think we
should be told.
Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: The previous was mean-spirited of me. I think the reason
the death announcement annoyed me was that, as a nervous child of
the Cold war, I always half expect Newsflashes to announce the end of
the world. The thing is they leave that 'A News Announcement
Follows' card on for ages, as if to prepare you for something terrible,
and if you're of a nervous disposition you have plenty of time to
imagine the worst: war, tidal waves, giant ants from Mars, Ann
Widdecombe on heat. And so when it turns out to be something that
constitutes no danger to me, I'm angry as hell that they scared the piss
out of me for no reason.
Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I've been trying to remember where my obsession with
gypsy women first began. There were no gypsy girls at school that I
can remember. That bloke who writes Lad novels reckons that for
people who grew up with TV it all begins with having crushes on Blue
Peter presenters and people on Playschool. I wonder if there was a
gypsy Playschool presenter who used to flit mysteriously about the
studio and then go, "Which window will it be today? The round
window, the square window, or the arched window? I do not care!
Open the windows! Open them all! Ha! I smash your windows! I must
escape! You cannot keep me cooped up like a bird in a cage! The
moors and the woods call to me...I must go to them..."
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I've been preening myself and skipping around a bit today
because I've just received my first link from somebody else's website,
courtesy of Danny Chaplin, who runs a superlative site devoted to
Francis Bacon and other Soho bohos, which also contains some funny
and impassioned diatribes on the state of the world. It can be found
here.
Visitor's Name: Birdy
From: Treasure Island
Favourite Spice Girl: The fat bald one with the limp and the parrot
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: MARRY ME? [That I will, me hearty. Bring the parrot
and the cabin boy too.]
Visitor's Name: Mr Snow
From: The west countreeeee!!!!!!!
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: Well i've taken on board your calming technique's and i
have purchased flame retardent underware for my girlfriend, that i
have forced her to wear for three weeks straight. I now wear them
under my motorcycle helmet to great effect (i've not punched a single
volvo driving old lady once since) [Oh, we live in strange times when
Volvos drive old ladies down the lanes of the west countreee. Is this
some 21st Century rural sport? It could be a good hi-tech
replacement for 'One Man and His Dog'.] plus it gives me
sustainance for long journey's. PS: being from the west countreeee you
will probably be aware that my girlfriend has a nice fluffly fleece and
the cutest black face you've ever seen. (you can marry her if you want)
[Great! We are talking about Macy Gray, aren't we?]
Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: All girls should wear flame-retardant underwear, just in
case they catch sight of me. I am very handsome, you know.
Visitor's Name: Emma
From: Sweden
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A haughty, tempestuous upper-class girl who treats men like
horses
Comments: Whoooooaaaa boy.... [* Snort! Whinny! *]
Visitor's Name: Molleeeeeeeee
From: The WEST
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is An elderly matriarch, who likes to watch your sexy young maid
seduce Englishmen
Comments: You seem to be getting out of control. Have you been
spending enourmously long stretches of time alone with your stuffed
sheep and copies of Horse and Hound again? You need a nice older
woman to come over and take you in hand. Forget the flame resistant
underwear. She will bring the fire fighters foam pack and yellow outfit
with her. What do you think?[Phwoar! She could slide down my
pole any day.] By the way, do you want a half wolf maniac canine?
[Not unless that's the name of a cocktail.] I think I know one that's
coming up for adoption. (Don't say anything to Wulffe. It's a surprize.)
Chaos reigns on this side of the Pacific. Later.
Visitor's Name: Gorgeous Josey or Fanny, whatever.
[Just my luck. What are you, a schizo or a Siamese twin? If the
latter, how many breasts do you have?]
From: One of the original 13 Colonies.
[Ha! I have studied the American Revolution! I can name them! I
will find you! Let me see...Maine, New Hampshire, New Cornwall,
Ottawa, Chattanooga, Pencilcase, Vanilla, the Colossus of Rhodes
and the one James Coburn played.]
Favourite Spice Girl: The fat bald one with the limp and the parrot
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: Pittle. [You dare say 'pittle' to me? Well, I say 'dottle'
to you!] I should have to go on about making you happy. What with
your curious habits and all. [I had to give those back to the nun.]
You'd be lucky to satisfy a parish priest. [Chortle! No-one could.
They're insatiable.] Anyway, I've never seen Ireland [Ireland?! I'm
British! I suppose my ancestors must have come from Ireland, but
then my ancestors lived up trees and picked fleas off each other if
you go back far enough, i.e. in my grandfather's day.](or
Philadelphia, or the New Hebrides for that matter) and I have a
hankering for travel. You don't have any odder habits than you've
described, do you?[I like to tickle Greek Bishops.] I, myself, am
clean of any dirty, disgusting tendencies, but am willing to break new
ground on a dare. [Great! I'll bring the trampoline.] It would be my
great fortune to have as my life partner someone sweet and handsome
and kind, and if you know anyone like that, please send them my way.
[Arf! Ah, I like a feisty woman. I'll have you know I'm a paragon of
sweetness and kindness. When I eat lobsters, I have them
blindfolded before they're plunged into the boiling water. And as
for handsome, Johnny Depp takes me on location with him so he
doesn't need a shaving mirror. Hugh Grant uses me as a stand-in
for extra-handsome scenes. I'm so handsome, Michael Douglas
wants me to play him in his own wedding video. I'm so handsome,
if I went on a double-date with Warren Beatty, he would probably
try to snog me as well.]
Visitor's Name: A Man's Man
From: God's chosen, AMERICA!
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: YOU LEAVE THAT POOR GIRL ALONE! You can't
blame her for thinking you're Irish, being left of Chairman Mao and all.
[Don't mention that bourgeouis lackey to me.] Paddy isn't comfortable
unless he has his hand out and the way you go on about Blair it's
obvious that you have no intention of working to earn your keep
either! It's a good thing you're a brit or I'd have to punch you in the
nose for being so GODDAMNED UNAMERICAN!! Incidentally, I
would love to vacation in britain and am willing to accommodate two
weeks of shame, as I cannot afford the airfare. That ought to appeal to
you, you smug bastard from the land of carrot-eaters. [Sir, I am of the
opinion that, even if your government had spent more money on your
education instead of giving it to their masters in the military-industrial complex, you would not even then be a gentleman. MK]
Visitor's Name: Michael's grandfather
From: the sceptred isle
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Aye, you'd like to come over here, wouldn't you, Yank?
Swanning round over here stealing all our bloody wimmin with your
nylons and your Hershey bars and your bloody fancy dental work. I'd
been walking out steady with big Elsie Braithwaite from the abattoir
for nigh on two year, and then bloody Glenn Miller goes and billets
himself on top of her while I'm in Egypt being shelled by a
belly-dancer, er, I mean Rommel. Show yer face round our way and I'll
kick yer bloody head in, ya gum-chewing gigolo. Bah.
Visitor's Name: THE MAN'S MAN!
From: The Land of Liberty.
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: America's pride, Glenn Miller, was too much of a
gentleman to go on a sentimental journey with that known street
floozie, the fore-mentioned Braithwaite. And listen Grampy, I'll pop
you before you get a chance to wheeze out an unconditional surrender,
like you limeys would have if it weren't for lend-lease, kilroy, and
Betty Grable! And for God's sake, keep that animal Hugh Grant on
your side of the Atlantic.
Visitor's Name: Michael's grandfather
From: this throne of kings
Favourite Spice Girl: Dame Vera Lynn
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: You insolent colonial pup! I'll cripple yez! I once killed ten
Germans with me bare hands and a tea-caddy. Long before your lot
sauntered into the war. In fact, it was back in 1926, when it wasn't
even legal. Elsie Braithwaite was a fine upstanding lass until that
masher Miller showed her his trombone and ruined her. He was always
in the mood, him. Aye, and then he passed her along to that pig Jimmy
Stewart. Still, I fixed Miller. Painted 'Maurice Chevalier is Belgian' on
the underside of his plane before he flew to Paris, and the French air
traffic controllers took care of the rest. And don't talk to me about
Lend-Lease. Who gave you the Spice Girls and Benny Hill? Well think
on, then. And if we're to have a Monroe Doctrine of perverts, you keep
Clinton on your side of the pond. And leave Betty Grable out of this!
Visitor's Name: Mrs. S.A. Murphy, (Man's Mother)
From: the Commonwealth, Massachusetts
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A nun, likewise seething with passion
Comments: Now, now Grandfather, take your laudanum. This message
is for your grandson, Mr.(PIFF) Kelly. This correspondence must stop
NOW! Man's man indeed! He's eleven years old. What are you, some
kind of pedophile? [Yes I like feet.] Good God Almighty, the filth that
is spewed on these pages. You're no example for this child. Spoil his
innocence, you will. And listen here Onan, take up a hobby or athletics
and get your mind off your meat and potatoes. You might amount to
something. No good end will come to a man that finds his gratification
in grapefruit. DISGUSTING! I'll light a candle and say a prayer. Aah,
what should I expect from a man whose country's main export is
bovine encephalitis? [Your state is most famous for a Bee Gees song.]
Visitor's Name: Seamus Andrew Murphy*
From: American now, yet still loyal to the cause.
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: Good Lordy man, I'm sorry for my missus. She's been off
her feed since the change came. Her heart is right though, just looking
over the lad. GOR BLARSETT! He's a peculiar. A sword swallower, I
suspect. Not that he can help it, being hermaphroditic. Still, he has
some talent. Not everyone can balance on a barber pole and write their
name in the snow. Oh yes, and I understand your consternations with
Clinton. UGH! That fat cow, Lewinsky. You'd think that he'd get some
mileage for his sin. CHRIST! J.F.K. put it to Marilyn Monroe. Now
there's a Monroe Doctrine! AND Gore consorts with Buddhists! At
least they took to Gerry Adams. Anyway, you'll have no more frights
from the missus and don't worry yourself over her rude manner. I've
given her a holy thrashing and cloistered her in the privy trench. By the
way, You poor soul, don't you know that there is now wonderful
medication for the self-loathing? [Please rest assured that all my
loathing is now directed outwards towards the unholy trinity of you,
your wife and your son and stillbirth. You are easily the worst family
since the Mansons. MK]
*The Murphy family, half of the onanists (see later), 'Ugly', 'UPI' and various other entries all written by Jim
Visitor's Name: Richard Palmer
From: W.A.C.K.E.R.
Favourite Spice Girl: Linda Lovelace
He is A fat bald limp man
Comments: As the general secretary of the World Auto-erotic
Campaign for Kindness and Equal Rights (W.A.C.K.E.R.), I would like
to protest at Mrs. Murphy's bigoted attack on Mr. Kelly's choice of
lifestyle. The autoerotic are just as good as you, perhaps better in your
case, you demented papist potato-eater. We deserve and demand fair
treatment and equal rights up to and including the right to marry
glove-puppets, bits of velvet, grapefruits, copies of Penthouse, etc.,
with full tax breaks. I urge all fellow autoerotics to come out of the
toilet and join me in giving our clenched-fist salute at our annual rally
in Times Square (actually in a porno theatre a few blocks away). If we
all pull together they'll never keep us down. While W.A.C.K.E.R. is a
non-violent organization and I have no sympathy with extremist groups
such as the Noisy Onanists Brigade (N.O.B.), I have no hesitation in
saying to such as Mrs. Murphy: you will stop us shooting when you
prise our weapons from our cold, dead hands. For his work in the field
I hereby make Mr. Kelly an honorary member of our society and
award him the Alexander Portnoy Medal, First Class with Golden
Palms. Wankers of the world unite! [Er, thanks. Thanks a lot. Excuse
me if I don't shake your hand. Now go away. MK]
Visitor's Name: Mrs. S.A. Murphy
From: Insides of porto-pot
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A nun, likewise seething with passion
Comments: PATHETIC AND DEPRAVED! [I quite agree. Now what
are you wearing?]
(At this point Guestbook entries become rather tacky and juvenile for a while. People of taste should look away.)
Visitor's Name: Harry Paws
From: The Nether Regions
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: HOO-RAH for Mister Palmer! I've filled my share of
towels in my day, and glad to do so. My current involvement with a
lotioned hanky is my happiest yet. Bit of advice: don't go for iced meat
probes, tears at the skin. [You'll go blond.]
Visitor's Name: Paul de Kock
From: The Netherlands
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: Ish true, yeah, USA and UK should lighten up, you know?
In Holland we can get our joints out in the shtreet in more waysh than
one, you bet. Lasht year law was passed permitting marriage between
man and Edam cheese.
Visitor's Name: Hans Geleibter
From: Deutschland
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Ich bin auch ein Wurstchenarbeiter und ich bevorzuge
schweizer kase. [You did what with Albert Schweitzer?]
Visitor's Name: Ivanka Tostoff
From: Russia
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is A fat bald KGB man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: In Russia we use roubles. Is cheaper than Kleenex.
Visitor's Name: Peter N. Hand
From: Holden Mass.
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Rubber gloves, tub of mayonnaise, 1/4 lb. pimento loaf
sliced thin, cob corn, orbital sander and the Baltimore Catechism!
Visitor's Name: Aristide-Marcel Foff
From: France
Favourite Spice Girl: Edith Piaf
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Moi, j'adore beaucoup le coup de la saucisse. J'utilise le
crepe suzette et servez ca a une touriste Boche. Le ha ha ha!
Visitor's Name: Mrs. S.A. Murphy
From: Floating, in Brownfields
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: MOTHER OF GOD! You'll poison the web! Now, look
alive you mad pack of beat-offs.Quit pulling your rickshaws and spittin'
yer clam chowder. JEEZUS! You'll all go to Hell. Aah well, I've tried!
And if you keep shooting to the skies, IT'S ON YOUR HEAD!!
Visitor's Name: Eaton Pickle and Aikin Bum
From: Rumpings, by Hardick
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Don't listen to that toxic twit! We love you boys and your
naughty talk. [Whoah! Are there girls here?]
Visitor's Name: Wang Hi
From: Shanghai
Favourite Spice Girl: Madam Mao
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: Aww! What you say about lickshaw-pullahs Mrs.
Come-To-Jesus lady? You go sit on finger. Mind you these capitalist
pigs crazy. No make love to food. That no way to tickle your
chopstick. Say one word to you boys: panda-skin glove. Tlust me, you
never look back.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Sweet Mother of Frankenstein. What kind of creepshow is
this? This is an international congress of degenerates. I just hope these
people live in households where people remember to knock. Especially
Peter. Christ, it's tricky enough just hoisting my zip and flinging a copy
of Dairymaids Monthly into a nether corner of the room when my
mum comes in with a cup of tea.
Visitor's Name: Paul de Kock
From: Amshterdam, you bet
Favourite Spice Girl: Tatjana Simic
He is A big man, not limp
Comments: Chill out, yes, Mrs. Murphy? Is healthy, you know?
Better out than in, is what I say. A jerk in the hand is worth two in the
bush. You want to pull on my joint? I can relax you. For many years
in Holland I am a porn star. Ish true, I am abnormally well-built. Is
good healthy lifestyle, just so long as you remember the actor's golden
rule: never work with children or animals. Come on, Mrs. Murphy, be
cool. You want make bedshow with me?
Visitor's Name: Jamaica Jack-Hammer
From: Huh?
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Ya man, I wit de Kock. What Murphy need is [censored]. I roll a big fatty and she can [censored]. Hey de Kock,
What da matter wit animal?I get pleasure wit shellfish.Dat's chill-IN.
Crustacean love make me hair go dreadlock.
Visitor's Name: Buster Bum
From: Rumpings, by Hardick
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: God that Aikin makes me sick. Yes! There's Gals! [Well,
hellooo, my dears. I really do apologize for the level of testosterone
in here. Now what are you wearing? I like your name, by the way. Are
you a James Bond girl?]
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Jamaica's message reminds me: I've always wondered why
Clinton didn't just say that Monica didn't inhale.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Bashful
She is A nun, likewise seething with passion
Comments: Michael Kelly's Page of Misery can accept no
responsibility for any distress caused by reading the entries here, even
the ones I wrote.
Visitor's Name: Sitting Moll
From: there
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: The Lewinski bit was my line, you shameless plagiarist,
Kelly! [What on earth are you talking about? You've never said that
to me. I first cracked that one over dinner with my parents and the
local priest about two years ago. Next you'll be saying the Monica
Lewinsky humidor joke was yours. MK]
Visitor's Name: Paul de Kock
From: Trojan Studios, Holland
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: Buster, your name rings a bell with me. Didn't we work
together on 'Bunfight at the SM Corral'?
Visitor's Name: Mrs. S.A. Murphy
From: Atop a' cornpile
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: I don't suppose that you potty-mouths could stop
worshipin' St. Peter long enough to put yourselves in God's hands.
Nevermind, I know what you'd do in them...............Seamus, Bejeezus,
would you stop with the baked beans?
Visitor's Name: U.S. Congress
From: Washington D.C.
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A wild, untamed gypsy girl
Comments: We demand the English take full responsibility for the
career of Vincent Price! [Only if you take the rap for the career of
Donald Pleasance.]
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I have conceived a monstrous passion for you, Mrs.
Murphy. It is against my better judgement, but then love so often is,
isn't it, darling? I love you, Mrs. Murphy, why I cannot tell. Perhaps it
is your righteous ardour that has kindled an answering flame in my
heart. True, when first you appeared I thought your whole existence a
cogent argument in favour of retroactive contraception and euthanasia.
But now...Now I am yours, Mrs. Murphy, do with me what you will.
Reform me, scold me, grind me to dust beneath your heels, I care not.
Ah, you fiery Fenian Jezebel! Leave your oaf of a husband and
differently-chromosomed offspring and be mine forever. The thought
of you being stifled by those two shambling trolls is intolerable. Give
me a word, a sign, my darling. Tell me you feel the same. Surely I
cannot be feeling this alone? Have mercy on me, I beseech you. At
least tell me your name. I can hardly go on calling you by the name of
that flatulent pithecanthroid. Yours forever, Michael. PS, a cornpile!
How like you! You should always be on top of a cornpile, my darling.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: Lenin's Tomb
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: U.S. Congress! I suppose it's called Congress because they
couldn't call it Screw-Over.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: The Planet Hollywood where Lenin's Tomb used to be
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: What the hell have you got against Vincent Price,
anyway? He was a god. Have you seen 'The Comedy of Terrors'?
"You're sitting on my munneee." Well, you have to see it.
Visitor's Name: Armand Claw
From: Loveland
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Oh, it breaks my heart to hear you pine. Your Mrs.
Murphy, she must shine like the sun itself. Mr. Kelly, tsk tsk, I am so
distressed by your unrequited love. Take heed, you will find happiness
again. Perhaps you shouldn't strive to such lofty heights. This is the
wisdom of experience, for I too knew the cold grip of loneliness....Oh
how I knew. With God's good grace I am now free its icy stings. I
implore you to remember, beauty is not only in the parts we view. With
my newfound, I am able to look past minor defect, the humpback, the
skin pocks, the clefted palate, and hmmm....that bit of egg yoke on her
chin. I am not only accustomed to her chronic halitosis, but now relish
the arrival of such. Her lips are like a hearty borscht. And when I lower
the gauze, I look into her eye and am reminded of a young Karl
Malden. L'AMOUR! Whenever time allows, we while away the hours
...walking...walking...walking... stump in hand, until her stoma weeps
and sadly, we must return. I wish that you too could know such
felicities. Good luck in your pursuit.
Visitor's Name: The Ugly American
From: Green with envy
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: To Mollified: I am stealing your Lewinsky line also. It is
too good to not use.......MORE PLEASE!!
Visitor's Name: Paul de Kock
From: Trojan Studious, Holland
Favourite Spice Girl: Flodder
He is A very big film star
Comments: I think I worked with Armand's girlfriend in Mutant
Cheerleaders Ate My Windmill. She won the Golden Globes award for
Best Use of Superfluous Nipple.
Visitor's Name: Richard Palmer
From: W.A.C.K.E.R.
Favourite Spice Girl: Linda Lovelace
She is A fat bald limp man
Comments: I hereby strip Mr. Kelly of the Portnoy medal and expel
him from our organization due to his macabre infatuation with the bigot
Murphy. Turn in your dirty raincoat, Kelly, you're through. At least
until such time as you resume a mature relationship with your hand or a
foodstuff.
Visitor's Name: Saul Ingam
From: Israel
Favourite Spice Girl: The one with the boobies, oy!
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Kelly is meshugeneh to mess with that shiksa. I agree with
the schwartze who likes seafood. But stay away from shellfish. Me I
like to schtupp a nice piece gefilte fish. [Here we go again. Sticky
hands across the world.]
Visitor's Name: Nanook
From: The North
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A studious ice-queen, seething with repressed passion
Comments: We Eskimos do it with blow-torches as our genitals are
frozen solid for six months of the year.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: That's enough! All of you perverts shut up. No-one is to
annoy Mrs. Murphy. How about it, darling? Will you answer my plea?
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: By the way here's another Vincent Price rendition:
"Welcome to The Monster Club." Wasn't that good? I think I'll set up
shop as an online impressionist.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: England
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Mrs. Murphy! Mrs. Murphy! I pine for you, I die for you.
Give me a word, a sign, set me a task to prove me worthy of you. I
would climb the highest mountain to pluck a flower for your hair. I
would crawl a thousand miles over broken glass to catch a single
glimpse of you. I would pull my own arms off to make you smile. I
would betray my country's secrets for you. In fact, here, take them as
an earnest of my love, my country's most closely-guarded secrets. The
Spice Girls are all transsexuals. Their real names are Reg, Ken, Geoff,
Tim and Igor. The secret of a really good cup of tea is to scald the
teapot with boiling water before starting. We don't understand cricket
either. And, my grandfather informs me, the Queen was knocked up by
a coloured G.I. during the Second World War. The offspring of their
union, the true heir to the British throne, is locked up in the Tower of
London wearing an iron mask, and spends his days singing, 'Swing low,
sweet chariot, coming for to carry One home,' in a plaintive baritone.
Visitor's Name: Michael's grandfather
From: Strangeways Rest-Home for Vicious Old Men
Favourite Spice Girl: Vera Lynn
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Go on, Mikey! Steal the Yank's bird!
Visitor's Name: Michael's grandfather
From: Strangeways Rest-Home for Vicious Old Men
Favourite Spice Girl: Vera Lynn
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Tell her you're an aristocrat, Mikey, American birds can't
resist it. That's how I bagged off with Mamie Eisenhower during the
war. I was sitting at the next table to her in the tea room at Claridge's
and the waiter brought my order and said, 'Earl Grey?' and I said 'That's
me' and she said, 'Why, I never met an Earl before.' Stupid cow. Went
like a train, though.
Visitor's Name: Mont Blanc
From: France
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is An elderly matriarch, who likes to watch your sexy young maid
seduce Englishmen
Comments:
heheheehehehehehhhehehheehhehehhehhhehehhehehehehehehehehehhehebwah
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hhhhhheeeeee ccccchhhhhh oh ho ho hee
hee ha ha ha ha ha what a fine site this is [Lordy! For a second there I
thought you were my old gym teacher Mr. Bulstrode come back to get
me.]
Visitor's Name: Seamus Andrew Murphy
From: Rubbish Rd.
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: So, you fancy my missus, eh? She gives you a protuberant,
eh? FORGET IT! I'm not a man to hold a grudge, but don't push me.
Mind you, I understand, I do. Her teats would make anyone's "moss
pink" flush. WOW, she fills out a muumuu. Oh, and can she cook. Her
aspics are tasty, viscous, and you can chew for hours before you have
to spit it out. Still, I don't appreciate your ardor. Get her off your mind
and go back to exploring your North Pole. [Oh, you neanderthal. To
think of that pure, noble, spiritual woman trapped in your household.
Athena at a baboons' tea-party.]
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: How bloody annoying. The troglodyte Murphy knows how
to spell 'protuberant', whereas I, with all my many gifts and almost
ethereal beauty, always thought it was 'protruberant' up until a few
weeks ago. Protruberant is a much better word, though. It looks like it's
connected with 'protruding' and it has an appropriately jutting sound.
Protuberant, on the other hand, looks as though it should mean 'In
favour of potatoes.' Appropriate for that dim Mick. Indeed, it probably
defines his whole life.
Visitor's Name: Murphy
From: On High
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Hah! Serves you right, you conceited bastard.
Visitor's Name: Man's Man ( son of S.A.M.)
From: Protectors of Freedom
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Well, Kelly, you have done it. It seems that you drove
Mommy over the edge. She was so worked up, she lit a prayer candle
in her confinement and blew the roof off the outhouse. Then she ran
down Rubbish Road shrieking about "The Godless English, their
manual arts, kill Richard Palmer" and "I loathe Vincent Price". She was
last seen rowing down the Hudson in a bathtub. [Don't you see what
has happened? My darling is coming to me. She is drawn to me like a
moth to a flame.] I don't know what got her going. I thought that all
you lime-eaters were fay. Hence the joke: Hey! I just flew in from
England and BOY, is my ARSE tired! Watch your step buddy. I'll be
looking for you. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND PRIVATIZED
HEALTH CARE! [You won't be saying that when you are finally
forced to confront the costly brain surgery you so desperately need.
Mind you, veterinarians are private even in England.]
Visitor's Name: Noah Webster
From: behind a sheep
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Mr. Kelly, I am impressed! I have thoroughly enjoyed
your musings and foresee a resplendent future. My, what an
intimidating vocabulary you possess! [Ooh, ta very much, chuck.]
Such a surfeit of sesquipedalian argot
and...OH...OH...OOH...YES...OOOOOOFFFF...oh, Dammit...I'm
covered with wool... [Dear God. As pollen to the bees and honey to
the bears, so is this page to the sexually deviant. Suggest you invest in
one of the new genetically-modified sheep with PVC skin for the
discerning rural pervert.]
Visitor's Name: Bob Robichaux
From: off the coast of Nova Scotia
Favourite Spice Girl: Grace Darling
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: Uh, hi. Good page. I'm a lighthouse keeper and it gets
lonely so I spend a lot of time on the web. The thing is, last night I saw
something, and at first I thought I'd had too much to drink, but then I
found this guestbook and, well, I thought you should know about it. It
was...well, it appeared to be a woman paddling across the ocean in a
bathtub. She was rowing with a back-scrubber and bailing water with a
soap-dish. I mean, you had to admire her pluck. Mind you, she would
have had to bail less if she'd thought to put the plug in the bath. I didn't
know what to do. I wasn't sure whether to alert shipping or call out a
plumber. A couple of times it looked like she might capsize. I thought I
should throw her a lifejacket, but she would have been out of range by
the time I got one, so I just threw down Mary-Lou, my inflatable
housekeeper. She sort of shrieked when it landed in the bath. I don't
know whether I did the right thing. Anyway, I just thought you should
know.
Visitor's Name: Another, less horny Webster
From: Piss-off
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: I have recently been to a number of U.K. humor websites,
and they are all extremely boring. Your site, on the other hand, is only
mildly boring...Congratulations. Why is it that the English, progenitors
of the English language, can't spell anything correctly? Humor,
favorite, color, you yahoos screw them all up. [No, it's your spelling
that is at fault. Dates back to the War of Independence. Benedict
Arnold burned all your letter u's.] And there is your accents: Fraffly
so, tabbly so. I'd rather listen to a cleft palate recite the Domesday
Book. It actually has the effect of making Strine seem coherent. And
what is it about your women? [You are mad, blind or a eunuch.]
What do they have against chins? [Not Clinton's bollocks, for one
thing, unlike your whorish women.] They make those skirt wearing
clown-hairs from your north look pretty. No wonder the plaidies want
out of the U.K.! I want out of the U.K., and I've never even been there.
Although, to be fair, I hear the beef is excellent. [Your gloating may
be premature. If there was an epidemic of spongeiform brain
disease among the American population, who would be able to
tell?]
Visitor's Name: Another, less horny Webster
From: Piss-off again
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: I forgot to mention the almighty royals. Why do you
suppose Prince "Alfred E. Neuman" Charley never got his Dumbo's
bobbed? Oh, HE'S HANDSOME. Nice noses too. You could have
stuffed two bottles of Bailey's up Lady Di's snifter, and Charley can
hide bananas in his. At least the royals uphold the dignity of the
aristocracy. No scandals there. Annus Horribilus must have been a
reference to Queeny's bookie ledger. They are definitely a slice, they
are. [Your leaders, of course, are renowned throughout the world for
their dignity and grace. Really, you might have the taste to keep quiet
about other countries' rulers whilst in the midst of one of your
quadrennial national drives to anoint the leper with the least fingers.]
Visitor's Name: Doctor Clanger
From: Narnia
Favourite Spice Girl: The fat bald one with the limp and the parrot
She is A fat bald FBI man with a limp and a parrot
Comments: If you think TLC are evil mind warping capitalist
chequebook whores try listening to Destiny's Child. And they
supposedly have God on their side!
Visitor's Name: DJ MK
From: In da house
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I assume you're referring to 'Bills Bills Bills'? I would say
the scrub brother in that song does need kicking to the kerb, though. It
is a pity, though, they're very pretty and their first album was rather
loving and nurturing, but they definitely became more shrewish on the
second one. Who sang that one, 'Ain't nothing going on but the rent,
gotta get a J-O-B if you wanna be with me'? Silly tarts.
Visitor's Name: Another, less horny Webster
From: Piss-off
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: HEY! Whoever the Hell you are. It is spelled
c-h-e-c-k-b-o-o-k! No q-u-e. [Que sera sera.] C'mon already. Another
thing Dr. Doolittle, I'd rather read Orwell for talking animals...or listen
to Scotsman. [Or watch an American presidential campaign.] Hey
Kelly, aren't you getting a bit long in the tooth for that crappy muzak.
[I'm 30, you silly colonial oik. I realize by that age American males
resemble Jabba the Hutt in a Hawaiian shirt and are completely
supine apart from the occasional pathetic attempt to fish cookie
crumbs and the TV remote out of your seventh navel, but we Brits are
never too old to shake our booty.]
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Anyway, Webster, what foul music do you like? I can see
you at a Michael Bolton concert, waving your lighter in the air at the
moving bits. Then having a thrombosis from the effort of hoisting your
flabby American arm above your head, dropping your lighter and
setting fire to your Wal-Mart toupee.
Incidentally I picture you as looking like the bloke who played the dopey American sheriff in the Roger Moore James Bond films. (Which is appropriate, as I look like James Bond, if you squint a bit.)
Visitor's Name: Another, less horny Webster
From: Really! PISS OFF
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Shake your booty? More like stuff your booty, and I know
what you'd ram in there. What is this about the "moving bits"? Bolton's
music is such merde that I assumed he was part of one of those "British
Invasions". British Invasion...HA-HA-HA..."British farts in the wind" is
more like it and that includes 1812, fathead. [Tchaikovsky was
Russian. Or can you mean that amusing little war when you sneaked
up on us when we were fighting Napoleon and we burned down the
White House as a slap on the wrist?] You want music? How about
Ragtime, Jazz, Blues, R&B, Rock&Roll, and Country and Western.
AMERICAN MUSIC! ALL OF IT! [All derived, ultimately, from
Elizabethan pastoral airs.] You know what those styles are. You weak
sisters keep trying to ape them and send them back over. "The Fab
Four" oooohh, Elvis as four, big nose milksops, that is. You know, if I
squint, you look more like Tiny Tim, only less virile. ['Tiptoe through
the tulips.' He rocked.] Put that in your pipe and deliver it to your back
address.
Visitor's Name: Red Ruffansore
From: Spotsylvania
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Whoa, why the acrimony? I want to get back to Palmer's
organization. I think that if we all work together, we can all pull this
thing off. [I quite agree. Webster could certainly use something to
ease his tension, if he could find it beneath his stomachs. It would be
like trying to find the air valve on a dinghy.]
Visitor's Name: MK
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I agree with Red. Let's have no more nastiness. I don't
particularly want to hear any more self-abuse anecdotes either, though.
I would like to hear from (a) women, (b) female impersonators, (c)
anyone who wants to see more of my online celebrity impressions or (d)
anyone who knows the current longitude and latitude of my darling
Mrs. Murphy.
Visitor's Name: Mr. Webster
From: a LAZ-E-BOY
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: The "slap on the wrist" was a bit of interior decoration,
nothing more.
Visitor's Name: Michael's
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather
From: Great Britain
Favourite Spice Girl: Emma Hamilton
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: We decorated you good, Brother Jonathan.
Visitor's Name: Seamus Andrew Murphy
From: Rubbish Rd.
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Pay no mind to Webster. He's seen the bottom of too
many glasses. Still have a throbbing for my missus, eh? I don't envy
you when she finds you. Once, she thought the butcher was leaning on
the scale. We had finger food that night. He still can't count past nine.
[I doubt you can, as you probably need one finger to count with. You
certainly can't count past 10 without taking your shoes and socks off.
Or past 20 without exposing yourself.] One thing about the missus, If
she hates you, she really hates you, but if she likes you, she only hates
you a little. Tell her your Irish. It'll go easier. I'll be damned if I know
her whereabouts anyway. Not that I miss her, but I haven't had a
bounce in a week. [You oaf! She is free of you forever, free I tell you!
Far beyond your reach, she plies her fragile enamel barque across
the tumultuous oceans in quest of love. Salmon-like, she obeys an
irresistible impulse to cross half the world in search of her true
home.]
Visitor's Name: Whoopie
From: Beantown
Favourite Spice Girl: Sleepy
She is A sexy schoolgirl
Comments: More impressions. [Another Vincent Price: 'Here are your
hands, Edward...urk!' Uncanny.]
Visitor's Name: The Ugly American
From: A confused place.
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: The Narnia thing led me to ponder. First, I don't know
what a "Dr. Clanger" is and if I die not knowing, I will be quite
satisfied. Second, you have terrible taste in music. Third, the Narnia
thing made me think of children's books about talking animals. One
book that came to mind was, not surprisingly, "Winnie the Pooh". I
thought to myself, what kind of man would put a character like Eeyore
in a book for children? The beast is obviously clinically depressed.
A.A. Milne must have been three sheets to the wind when he devised
that one. I mean, the characters are supposed to be Christopher Robin's
toys, right? He imagines them in the hundred acre wood and they have
various adventures. So, I am trying to picture a scene, Christopher has
Tigger in his right hand and Eeyore in his left. "Tigger will go bounce,
bounce through the woods and Eeyore...will have no sense of
self-worth". [Giggle.] C'mon! The Disneyfied versions of these
characters are even more bizarre. Right off, why does Christopher
Robin have an English accent and his toys all sound American? The
gopher is right out of a Carolina's holler, for Chrissake. Eeyore, as
shown in the Disney cartoons, has really hit bottom. He speaks slowly,
like on thorazine, and spends most of his on-screen time sitting idly in
front of a stream. He is rarely involved with the others and when he is,
it is a huge effort. I can just imagine what Eeyore's off-screen life must
be like. He occupies a one room apartment, lying on a stained sofa with
all four legs straight up. He stares unblinking at the ceiling and once
every hour or so he murmurs, "I wish...I...had...a razor". His tail is
stuck to a bag of pork rinds. Mrs. Roo doesn't get off scotfree either.
Her voice sounds like she smokes four packs of Camels every single
day. And why don't we ever get to see Mr. Roo? Is there a Mr. Roo?
Tigger seems to have an unnatural interest in little Kanga. Either Tigger
is a pederast or he's Kanga's real father. I wouldn't put it past either of
them. Mrs. Roo probably has half the forest in there on any given day!
And doing God knows what. She's a candidate for welfare to work if I
have ever seen one! Tigger is, no doubt, keeping Mrs. Roo coked to the
gills and he likely hasn't slept in three weeks. "BOUNCE, BOUNCE,
BOUNCE...HEH, HEH...GOTTA KEEP BOUNCIN'...HEH,HEH".
Pooh's issue seems to be that he spends too much time on the hash
pipe. "HOO HOO HOO HOOOO, how are ya' BUDDY BOY?". What
is Pooh's response? "Um...think, think, think...er...what did you say?"
The hash explains his constant munchies too. I can see Pooh walking
right into Eeyore's, not even noticing all the shit on the floor. Shuffling
through all the newspapers and empty whiskey bottles and asking
straight out, "Um...Eeyore...do you have any honey?" Of course,
Eeyore doesn't respond.
Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Chortle. Eeyore is my all-time hero.
Visitor's Name: The STUPID, Ugly American who DESERVED to be
locked in the steam trunk every time he colored outside the lines and
wore his shoes on the wrong feet and left his pencils outside the pencil
box and wore holes in his pants knees, and "God knows we aren't
millionaires" and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...
From: Off the deep end.
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Ooooohhh...I'm sick with myself. I've just realized that I
screwed up Kanga's and Roo's names. Can I get anything right? If I was
a goldfish I would flush myself down the toilet. Oh, I have surely
murdered that one. I wish I had a razor. What an embarrassment, it is
no wonder I was disinherited. Mr. Kelly, if you are a Christian
gentleman, you will remove the offending entry and burn it. Now,
please excuse me...I have to wash my hands twelve times and count
the seams between the floorboards...again. [But don't step on them or
the bears will get you.] (You are not the only anal one). [There is a
difference between being anal and being an arse. Snap out of it, man.
Remember your relaxation techniques. Go and put your head between
your knees, or, for preference, someone else's knees.]
Visitor's Name: Ugly American's Mother
From: His Id
Favourite Spice Girl: Grumpy
She is An elderly matriarch, who likes to watch your sexy young maid
seduce Englishmen
Comments: I should have dropped The
Trunk in a lake with you in it and drownded you. He used to leave his
toys out and make poopy-kaka in his pants. Fancy mixing up Kanga
and Roo! I always knew he'd never amount to anything.
Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: As for me, I am a Christian Gentleman only in the way
that General Franco was. Your mockable Roo-Kanga confusion will
remain forever.
Visitor's Name: MK
From: UK
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: My earlier advice to Ugly inspires me to offer my online
impression of Jack Nicholson: 'I want you to hold it between your
kneees.' I thang yow.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: (Public service announcement for British visitors or
anyone who can pick up BBC TV: don't miss the film 'Les Apprentis'on
BBC2 at 1.25 am tonight, Saturday Nov 4th. Set your videos. The best
way I can describe it is as a sort of French Withnail & I. Very very
funny and also moving.)
(several messages lost here)
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: (As predicted, the Guestbook has restored itself to the way
it was before it threw its wobbly, and all messages posted in the
meantime are now trapped in an alternative universe.)
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Unfortunately I haven't saved the missing messages, but
I'm going to repost my chad riff, as far as I can remember it. Ahem.
Who is this Chad who seems to be so pivotal to the US elections? The
outed boyfriend of one of the candidates? Probably some preppy
college room-mate of Gore's. I see him as resembling James Spader or
Thomas Gibson. I know he has dimples. And it turned out he was
pregnant. And then he was found hanging from a door. Blah, blah. I bet
Clinton is saying to some virginal young intern, 'Hey, baby, want me to
pop your chad?' Etc., etc.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Oh, and then I said if Oliver in 'Love Story' had really
been based on Gore, he would have left Ali McGraw's deathbed to go
for a piss because he drank so much iced tea. And Al would have
paraded his tragic first love on the campaign trail: 'With her dying
breath she told me, "Keep the Republicans out...urk!' And then I went
home a finer, broader man, and invented the sandwich toaster.' It was
better the first time.
Visitor's Name: Seamus Andrew Murphy
From: the "Donnybrook"
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Yah, it was better the first time. Not much, but better. Did
you get me last message? How I was Al Gore's roomie, or was that in
the black-hole before you saw it? Your damned guestbook is makin' me
t'ink that I'm more sloshed than I am! [Yes, I saw your previous
cretinous effusion. I will repeat my response: Marx had you in mind
when he described the underclass as a passively rotting mass. I curse
the rats that had chewed up your mother's douche-bag the night you
were conceived, the bottle of meths that rendered her desirable to your
father, and the bent nickel with which he procured her favours. MK]
Visitor's Name: Ugly
From: In a state of grace.
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Quit crowing about the "chad" bit. [Chad for President,
that's what I say. Actually I think he looks like Christopher Reeve
in Clark Kent mode. He wears a sweater loosely draped over his
shoulders. And he and Al used to play the biscuit game.] Over here,
it is a very serious matter. I will accept an apology, or monetary
remuneration for "pain and suffering caused". You have a namesake in
Canada. He writes horror stories. Not at all like you, who writes
horrible stories.
Visitor's Name: Seamus Andrew Murphy
From: Under the table at the "Donnybrook"
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: You're a bitter S.O.B.! Imagine, conjurin' up such hideous
visions about me mum and da'. Just because he got her on rufies, ya'
make me birth seem so, what's the word, uhmm...ill-conceived. I'm
proud of me pedigree and I was a sharp lad too. [Your head grew to a
point, did it?] T'was on the chamber pot quicker than most, and still on
it today! Oh, I was precocious. Read me first smut book at four years.
Out loud too. Got kicked outta daycare for that one. Then there was
the time I outed Father Boyle. Told me to come by for an "oral history"
of the priesthood, then tried to show me a new way to shake hands.
Mum always commented on the funny smell of his starched collar. Said
she should have knowed. Hey, she must have been a Vicar sniffer!
Serious now Kelly, you're treadin' on thin ice. What class of a primitive
ruts to beget you? [My mother told me Zeus assumed the form of a
milkman to father me.] I gotta have a laugh when I think of their shock
when out poops a fartling like you. Throw out the baby and keep the
bath water in your case. [They probably thought the afterbirth was
your twin in yours.] Yeah baggy eyes, and you got quite a squint in yer
photo. Was daddy a mole? [For the eighth time, fuckwit, the picture is
not me, it is Peter Lorre. Why are you alive? Really, why don't you
die? Useful people could be using your organs.]
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: If I have been tetchier than usual of late, it's because I'm
trying to give up cigarettes, out of cowardice. Wouldn't it be great if
everyone was born knowing how they were going to die, like the
cyclopses in Krull? If you knew you were destined to be run over by a
bus, you could smoke like a trooper with a clear conscience.
Conversely, of course, if you knew you were doomed to die of
emphysema, you could play in traffic to your heart's content.
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Speaking of which, here is the best poetic couplet ever,
written by Saki's Reginald. The protagonist is a wildebeest on the South
African veldt, which plaintively asks:
'Mother, may I go and maffick
Tear around and hinder traffic?'
Visitor's Name: Seamus Andrew Murphy
From: the "Donnybrook"
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Don't quit smokin' on my account. When are you due for
the meetin' with the bus? Oh my, and lord knows, Peter Lorre was a
looker compared to you, even at the fatty end. You really have a nice
smile though. What'sa matter, ashamed of yer teeth? Oh sorry, I mean,
of course, tooth. [A million monkeys typing for a million years could
not produce anything as senseless and banal as your gibberish. MK]
Visitor's Name: Michael Kelly
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: Ugly's talk of a namesake has vexed me. There is no
shortage of Michael Kellys in the world, several of them writers and
many of them handsome. I'm toying with the idea of taking a
pseudonym. But what? Something authentically English, I think, so I'm
no longer mistaken for Irish. Forbes Spencer-Churchill. Fenton
Carruthers. Sir Archibald Titmuss. Something like that. On the other
hand maybe it should be something that sums up my essentially heroic
and danger-loving nature. Dirk Wildheart. Toby Challenger. Norman
Conquest. Something square-jawed and manly. Richard Craigsmuir.
Kirk Montgomery. Lance Shaftesbury. Or perhaps something that
expresses my dark, brooding, gothic side. Severin Darkbloom. Evelyn
Strange. Heathcliff LeSavage. Lothar Goethe. Lucius Pendragon.
Lucius Pendragon, of Castle Pendragon, limped along the battlements
as lightning cleft the night, fitfully illuminating his storm-dark yet pale
and sensitive visage, his only companion the hooded falcon on his
wrist. 'She dances on the heath tonight,' he murmured to the bird,
rolling an opium pellet between his delicate fingers as the pain of his
Ailment gnawed at his innards. 'Fly to her, my pretty. Fly to her, and
tell her I damn her gypsy hide to Hades...' On the other hand, I've
always liked the name Algernon.
Visitor's Name: The Ugly American
From: a pensive place
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: I picture you more as a Henry Drypoop, or perhaps
Cuthbert Stetenson. No, you're definitely the brooding type. Maybe
Rhett Saturnine, or Brontston Downcast. Bront Downcast, alone on the
Isle of Corsica. Awash in the stinging anguish of a past revisited. The
memories flood, "should I have stayed the night?". It matters not,
frailty and impotence are his complement now. The verdict is made.
Bront forces himself to his feet. The burden is great. A heroic effort to
conquer the yoke of his sorrow. Over he goes, over the cliff edge, and
into the eternal good-night. Yes, that is most definitely how I picture
you. Over the edge, in every possible meaning. I dunno, you may be on
to something. Perhaps "Algernon Smithers' Page of Discouragement" is
better. That has a ring, don't you think? I bet there's no doppleganger
for that one.
Visitor's Name: Hieronymous Strangelove
From: here
Favourite Spice Girl: Rosa Luxemburg
She is Rosa Luxemburg
Comments: I like 'Page of Discouragement' and I like the name 'Bront'.
How about Algernon Brontë's Page of Discouragement? That gives an
idea for a story, actually, the diary of a hitherto unknown Brontë sib,
Algernon. Algernon would be a resolutely cheerful, outgoing,
straightforward sort of chap, without a single drop of melancholy or
imagination. And while all his family were coughing and dying and
dissolute and filled with angst he'd be all affable and rudely healthy and
asking them if he could have their Yorkshire pud if they weren't going
to finish it.
Visitor's Name: Ugly
From: U.S.
Favourite Spice Girl: Sporty
She is A beautiful woman
Comments: Make sure someone in the family dies at least monthly. All
the better if they all have consumption. I love that, "consumption". It's
so much more gripping than "tuberculosis". So, everybody's dropping
like flies, and algernon just keeps on smiling and mentioning how
beautiful the morning is. He won't stop harping about the importance of
saving for the future and making five year plans. Finally, the fucker
wins the lottery. Right when he's about to cash the ticket, a safe falls
on his head. A happy ending after all.